A Crack-head's Crack at Book-Writin'

In the past we have published successful romance novels, such as "the Rough and Ready Rancher," "MRI Love You," "Doctor/Patient Infidelity," "Warden of Desire" and "Hobbits of Paris." Unfortunately, the two authors who have penned our best selling novels both died in unfortunately candle wax and saddle soap incident while vacationing together in a beautiful cabin far from civilation. Our hearts are heavy, knowing they each leave behind a loving spouse, and grief stricken fans. Anyway, we are pleased to announce, we are seriously considering new and fresh writers who wish to join our efforts in providing the public with alluring stories of forbidden love and occasionally far-fetched senarios that ultimately end in two people partaking in immoral activities that for some reason seem justified but undeniably akward. We are having difficulty decided between the only three writers that have expressed interest, and since we have only borrowed enough money to fund one author, we really need to make up our minds. As valued customers, we would like to invite you in taking part in this historical and momentous occasion. You should feel honored that we have asked you to be involved in an event that will no doubt impact the world of literature that we so deeply appreciate. If you can't make up your mind, don't worry; we plan to flip a coin if this happens.
So, here is our first blooming author. Jasmin Porcalin Otto is 29 year old Kentucky native. She is a high school drop out, who now keeps busy as a stay at home mom, cashier, and online survey taker. Jasmin enjoys writing, slot machines and smoking on her front steps. She describes her first novel "Romance on Isle 8" as "movin' and heart retchin'." We have really enjoyed getting to know this colorful young woman. We found her novel to be... written and original. Please, take a deep breath, and prepare to read the first chapter of this interesting love story.

*Yes, we will tell Jasmin about spell check. Grammar, too. Dear Readers, Romance on Isle 8
the first novel by Jasmin Porcalin
Dabreese footsteps broke the silence as the darkness of an empty Walmart envelloped her. Three o'clock in the morning, she was one the first to arrive at the Piddlewood store. She's been emplooyed there by almost seven years. Today, she was working the first shift, filling in for her friend Sunshine, couldn't come in on account of her being in labor and all.
"Another day at the blue pride," she smiled to herself as she started the coffee maker in the brake room. Dabreese enjoyed her job at the furtune 5000 company. She was a star employee, and was friends with all her coworkers.
"Girl, did you here?" Misty Dunkle said, coming up along side Dabreese at the kitchen counter.
"Here what, friend?" Mona Gook said, approching the two other girls.
"What's going on?" Dabreese said, running her fingers threw her long gold and brown hair- full of luster and tundras.
"Well," contined Misty, pooring herself a cup of coffee. "Last night, Marcus gave ol' Buck the boot. He done fired him, for sellin' Virgina Slims to miners."
"Huh? I thought he quiet doin' that when his girlfriend threatened to leave him when she found out he was still married to his ex-wife's sister!?" Mona said, shocked. "He said he was gettin' right with the Lord. I can't believe him. Shoot."
"Can't trust him," Dabreese tisked, taking a sip from her coffee meat filled coffee. "Thats why I dumped him."
"Me too." The others nodded comprehendingley.
*******
Soon the store was open, and folks started pourin in like gravy over biscits. Time went fast working in returns. Dabreese was constinstanly apoligising to costumers for broken bike pumps, missing screws in shelfing units, and tank tops that made the female cliantel look too "ritzy". Just as she was rapping up the first part of her day, she didnt have any customers, so she leaned down to organize her smiley face sticker collection, kept under her register. Sudenly, the next customer put a pair of boots on her counter. Without looking up, she said polighty "I'll be with you in a minute."
"No problemo," thundered a smoldering voice.
Dabreese was startled by the rugged sweatyness she enveloped in her ear canal. His voice was like a Peterbuilt looking for a rest stop. But not just for a night, but for the whole rest of his life. As she began to stand, she hit her head on the underside of the counter, and lost her balance and fell on the floor, hitting her head on the floor, "ow!" she cried out in pane!
Suddenly, the man jumped over the counter, landing with feet on either side of her. He wiped out his buck-nife out of the tight denim fabric that was his Rustlers.
"You okay, mam?" he said in that deep, browny voice. He squated right over her, to look deep into her face. His face filled with inquires. Dabreese brushed her redish gold hair from her face, started by all that had taken place in the last 4-7 seconds. She laid on the floor, like an injured turtle who had become fliped onto into its back and thus couldn't get its feet under it because its very dificult for turtles to do said activity. She accessed her situation; her head hurt, she wasn't dead, because she had not seen the white light like her pappy Bob told her he saw right before he died the first time, and she knew she hadn't broke no bones or nothing. She had simply bumped her head. Now she had a strong man squating over her lifeless and barly moving body, as she laid on the black mat on that dinjy Walmart store. She grazed up at him; for a moment, aloud herself to drink in his handsomeness. He had dark tassled hair, peekin out under a faded camo baseball hat. His deep green eyes peared out beneath his heavy brow, and his pink poudy lips were embrased by a dark brown fumanshoe. That spindly chest hair burst from atot his Hooters t-shirt like a milion daddy-long legs were trying to escape. Who would want to escape from this mountain of a man. He must have been 6'2, soakin' wet. With tight rippling chest, and massive muscular arms, hiding coiley behind large barwire tatoos. Dabreese hushed pounding heart that was in her head.
"I'm just fine," she said, breathelessely. The stallion man reached for her hand, and guided her genitally back to her feet.
"you sure you okay?" he asked again pearing at her with those husky eyes.
"Oh, don't make a fuss," she said, sure she was blushing. Dabreese couldn't help but feel that this strange man was looking at her in a romanic way.
"I only make a fuss, when I see fit," he smoldered, pushing her blackish red hair away from her eyes. He was struck just then by the light in her eyes. Like Walmart had installed floressence in the bulbs of her pupils. Those baby browns tore through his face like a hurticane ripped through his childhood trailer. His heart was beating. Her beatiful shiney skin called him like warm flanel jammers on a winter day, those ruby red lips beckoned him like a boy calling for his lost golden retreaver. Her braces danced on her teeth like little sequins on a prom gown. She was a beaty.
Their the two stood. Looking into each others hearts. Eyes. Hands. If there was a such thing as love at first sighting these two just had it experienced it.
***********
Briar couldn't believe what had just tooken place. He hadn't even planned on going to Walmart that morning. But when the lights were turned off that morning on account of him not paying his utality bill, he knew he'd have to return those amasing Faded Glory work boots to get those lights on in time for Bi-anal Briar Beer Bash he had four times a year at his place. Walking into that Piddlewood superstore, he had no premination he was going to meet the most beatiful girl he had ever seen in real life. And now, one hour after entering that store, he was walking out; a new man. He had got the cash he needed, all $68.97. He went in to return boots, he didn't know he'd make an exchange. Of love.
"I can't wait to here about your date!" cried JoBeth Rose.
Now in the brake room, Dabreese recounted her wonderful story to her friends. Nobody couldn't believe it. Like love had just fell from the skies of fate, and landed in a lake of magic, that froze over when the winter of undying destiny arrived. Truly a beatiful day.
"I know! I don't know what to were!" Dabreese laminated.
"Girl, you have to get yourself on over to the juniers compartment! They have these cute little tanks on clerance that you would look hot in. Show a little skin, have your tummy showin' and all!! Men love that!" Jobeth cheered.
"Yeah, and you don't hardly have no stretch marks, so you'll look like you've only had a couple kids!" Latoya added, taking a bite of her macroni and cheese hot pocket.
"Gee, girls, I don't know if I should. I want him to think I'm hornarable! Maybe I should shop women's compartment" says Dabreese. The woman gasped. That part of the store was usually only visited by gals who wanted to dress there age or size, instead of trying to recreate their youth like your suposed to when you are old or fat. Going to that section was like saying you've givin up, you ain't even going to try to look atractive anymore. You just want to look mature, and respectable. No one shoped there for first date-ware.
"Girl, that's insain. Me and you going to go their after our last shift, and pick you out something real cute. Then we'll head to shoes..." MariBeth Lace said.
"OOh get her some of those new high heel crocs! So cute!" Gerdi Vase shreaked.
"Cute! And classy. You know they come in Earnheart red now?" Tina queeryed. As the ladies chattered about the cloths Dabreese could were on the date later that night, she let her mind wonder. The night was filled with mistery and intreaty. What could happen? Was love going to fill the room like it did earlyer at the return counter? Was he a felon? So many questions filled her brain, and so much love filled her heart. She felt as if she might expload with anxeousness, and all that would be left of her is question marks and buckets of love. Meanwhile, Briar was exciting the local CheckIntoDebt! Where one can receve an advansment on one's paycheck. He was grinning from ear to partial ear (left one had been a victim of a wead eater accident when he was just a tween.) He got a little money for his date with Dabreese and he was happier than a kitten chasing a leaky cow. For the first time since he was relesed from the state pinn, he was filled with joy. ****************************Well, what did you think?
So far, our panel has commented:
"mind-numbing, bordering on coherent.. at best."
"At one time, I realized I had been crying in agony for an hour after reading this. I then washed down a double dose of Zoloft with Nyquil, and squeezed a lemon in my eyes. I hate myself for touching this 'book'."
"Really? Seriously? Am I on tv? This can't be real."
"Did she even graduate kindergarten? If this doesn't say something about the lack of education in this country, nothing will."
Please add a comment, and remember to be polite. You don't even have to be honest. Just polite. We are pretty confident that its impossible to be both in this situation. Remember, next week you will recieve chapter one of "The Bowhunter's Daughter," by Emerie Bord.

your friends at VeeDee Publishers