Jon Deer Letter

Deer Roper,
I is wroting you this ledder to let yall no that our marrege is over. I no you wearnt spectin this change off evants, but sometimes life throwes a buncha lemons at ya and ya godda do tehkeela shots. Ferst of, let me tell you what yall mean to me.A lot. I am glad you wear the father of two of my kids and the uncel to ones of them.You been so gude to us.I preciate ya setin us up in this grate big traler. from the momant you bedazled my trackin' devise braclet, I new you wear allways gona treet me good.Butt unfourchunettly i finded some one new.It starded about a mounth aggo. I went to viset your daddy, Uncel Carberater while he was rentin a room at the jale. He aint be their so i was talcin to his sons frends exwifes boyfrend, you no him they call him SkarToof cuz he gots that grate big scar on hims one tuthe. he told me that he had just scene you at the moovy theeader with some girl and i new that cant be write becase like i says you were posed to be at the basebal game. I says no no skartoof he aint be their becus he is gown away.he says he new it wear you becus you had on that limeted editun gunns enrozes windbraker that i stole MYSELF for you. Skartoof told me that he was purty shore that the lady you was with aint your sister becos you were kisin her like she was on deth row. i was cryin then he was cryin cus it turnd out that the lady u was with was skartoofs momma and he aint even rekignised her cus she lossed 200 pownds from the last time he'd scene her and he was sad becos he new his momma was brakin her howse arest by bein at the theader and she was gona get scent back to jale for brakin the law and if she did go back to jale he was gona have to find a job to pay fur rent to his landslord-witch we all no is skartoofs dady's sisster Butchie. Butchie chargs a lott for rents and she aint two kean on it bean late. Skartoof cant take the presher.
I mad that you was cheetin on me with skartoofs momma. Butt I fourgive ya cos i fear ckrist. BUTT i am moore mad that you were with skartoofs momma cus she anet even all their mentilly! now youve brocken up there Hole famelly. it be reel sad when a good famelly like that be turn apart by somewon like you who shoud no beter!!!
Our marigge is over.I taken the kids. And the dawgs. ANd my moma's nutria pelts.Even thow you wear her faferitt neffew she wood want me to have em. you can viset the kids whenever you want. I is sorry it had to be like this.Butt in the internal words of somebuddy, I am "two liget. Two iget to quite." ANd i quite this mariege for ligetment reesans. your soontobe Xedwife
Gurdie

A Crack-head's Crack at Book-Writin'

In the past we have published successful romance novels, such as "the Rough and Ready Rancher," "MRI Love You," "Doctor/Patient Infidelity," "Warden of Desire" and "Hobbits of Paris." Unfortunately, the two authors who have penned our best selling novels both died in unfortunately candle wax and saddle soap incident while vacationing together in a beautiful cabin far from civilation. Our hearts are heavy, knowing they each leave behind a loving spouse, and grief stricken fans. Anyway, we are pleased to announce, we are seriously considering new and fresh writers who wish to join our efforts in providing the public with alluring stories of forbidden love and occasionally far-fetched senarios that ultimately end in two people partaking in immoral activities that for some reason seem justified but undeniably akward. We are having difficulty decided between the only three writers that have expressed interest, and since we have only borrowed enough money to fund one author, we really need to make up our minds. As valued customers, we would like to invite you in taking part in this historical and momentous occasion. You should feel honored that we have asked you to be involved in an event that will no doubt impact the world of literature that we so deeply appreciate. If you can't make up your mind, don't worry; we plan to flip a coin if this happens.
So, here is our first blooming author. Jasmin Porcalin Otto is 29 year old Kentucky native. She is a high school drop out, who now keeps busy as a stay at home mom, cashier, and online survey taker. Jasmin enjoys writing, slot machines and smoking on her front steps. She describes her first novel "Romance on Isle 8" as "movin' and heart retchin'." We have really enjoyed getting to know this colorful young woman. We found her novel to be... written and original. Please, take a deep breath, and prepare to read the first chapter of this interesting love story.

*Yes, we will tell Jasmin about spell check. Grammar, too. Dear Readers, Romance on Isle 8
the first novel by Jasmin Porcalin
Dabreese footsteps broke the silence as the darkness of an empty Walmart envelloped her. Three o'clock in the morning, she was one the first to arrive at the Piddlewood store. She's been emplooyed there by almost seven years. Today, she was working the first shift, filling in for her friend Sunshine, couldn't come in on account of her being in labor and all.
"Another day at the blue pride," she smiled to herself as she started the coffee maker in the brake room. Dabreese enjoyed her job at the furtune 5000 company. She was a star employee, and was friends with all her coworkers.
"Girl, did you here?" Misty Dunkle said, coming up along side Dabreese at the kitchen counter.
"Here what, friend?" Mona Gook said, approching the two other girls.
"What's going on?" Dabreese said, running her fingers threw her long gold and brown hair- full of luster and tundras.
"Well," contined Misty, pooring herself a cup of coffee. "Last night, Marcus gave ol' Buck the boot. He done fired him, for sellin' Virgina Slims to miners."
"Huh? I thought he quiet doin' that when his girlfriend threatened to leave him when she found out he was still married to his ex-wife's sister!?" Mona said, shocked. "He said he was gettin' right with the Lord. I can't believe him. Shoot."
"Can't trust him," Dabreese tisked, taking a sip from her coffee meat filled coffee. "Thats why I dumped him."
"Me too." The others nodded comprehendingley.
*******
Soon the store was open, and folks started pourin in like gravy over biscits. Time went fast working in returns. Dabreese was constinstanly apoligising to costumers for broken bike pumps, missing screws in shelfing units, and tank tops that made the female cliantel look too "ritzy". Just as she was rapping up the first part of her day, she didnt have any customers, so she leaned down to organize her smiley face sticker collection, kept under her register. Sudenly, the next customer put a pair of boots on her counter. Without looking up, she said polighty "I'll be with you in a minute."
"No problemo," thundered a smoldering voice.
Dabreese was startled by the rugged sweatyness she enveloped in her ear canal. His voice was like a Peterbuilt looking for a rest stop. But not just for a night, but for the whole rest of his life. As she began to stand, she hit her head on the underside of the counter, and lost her balance and fell on the floor, hitting her head on the floor, "ow!" she cried out in pane!
Suddenly, the man jumped over the counter, landing with feet on either side of her. He wiped out his buck-nife out of the tight denim fabric that was his Rustlers.
"You okay, mam?" he said in that deep, browny voice. He squated right over her, to look deep into her face. His face filled with inquires. Dabreese brushed her redish gold hair from her face, started by all that had taken place in the last 4-7 seconds. She laid on the floor, like an injured turtle who had become fliped onto into its back and thus couldn't get its feet under it because its very dificult for turtles to do said activity. She accessed her situation; her head hurt, she wasn't dead, because she had not seen the white light like her pappy Bob told her he saw right before he died the first time, and she knew she hadn't broke no bones or nothing. She had simply bumped her head. Now she had a strong man squating over her lifeless and barly moving body, as she laid on the black mat on that dinjy Walmart store. She grazed up at him; for a moment, aloud herself to drink in his handsomeness. He had dark tassled hair, peekin out under a faded camo baseball hat. His deep green eyes peared out beneath his heavy brow, and his pink poudy lips were embrased by a dark brown fumanshoe. That spindly chest hair burst from atot his Hooters t-shirt like a milion daddy-long legs were trying to escape. Who would want to escape from this mountain of a man. He must have been 6'2, soakin' wet. With tight rippling chest, and massive muscular arms, hiding coiley behind large barwire tatoos. Dabreese hushed pounding heart that was in her head.
"I'm just fine," she said, breathelessely. The stallion man reached for her hand, and guided her genitally back to her feet.
"you sure you okay?" he asked again pearing at her with those husky eyes.
"Oh, don't make a fuss," she said, sure she was blushing. Dabreese couldn't help but feel that this strange man was looking at her in a romanic way.
"I only make a fuss, when I see fit," he smoldered, pushing her blackish red hair away from her eyes. He was struck just then by the light in her eyes. Like Walmart had installed floressence in the bulbs of her pupils. Those baby browns tore through his face like a hurticane ripped through his childhood trailer. His heart was beating. Her beatiful shiney skin called him like warm flanel jammers on a winter day, those ruby red lips beckoned him like a boy calling for his lost golden retreaver. Her braces danced on her teeth like little sequins on a prom gown. She was a beaty.
Their the two stood. Looking into each others hearts. Eyes. Hands. If there was a such thing as love at first sighting these two just had it experienced it.
***********
Briar couldn't believe what had just tooken place. He hadn't even planned on going to Walmart that morning. But when the lights were turned off that morning on account of him not paying his utality bill, he knew he'd have to return those amasing Faded Glory work boots to get those lights on in time for Bi-anal Briar Beer Bash he had four times a year at his place. Walking into that Piddlewood superstore, he had no premination he was going to meet the most beatiful girl he had ever seen in real life. And now, one hour after entering that store, he was walking out; a new man. He had got the cash he needed, all $68.97. He went in to return boots, he didn't know he'd make an exchange. Of love.
"I can't wait to here about your date!" cried JoBeth Rose.
Now in the brake room, Dabreese recounted her wonderful story to her friends. Nobody couldn't believe it. Like love had just fell from the skies of fate, and landed in a lake of magic, that froze over when the winter of undying destiny arrived. Truly a beatiful day.
"I know! I don't know what to were!" Dabreese laminated.
"Girl, you have to get yourself on over to the juniers compartment! They have these cute little tanks on clerance that you would look hot in. Show a little skin, have your tummy showin' and all!! Men love that!" Jobeth cheered.
"Yeah, and you don't hardly have no stretch marks, so you'll look like you've only had a couple kids!" Latoya added, taking a bite of her macroni and cheese hot pocket.
"Gee, girls, I don't know if I should. I want him to think I'm hornarable! Maybe I should shop women's compartment" says Dabreese. The woman gasped. That part of the store was usually only visited by gals who wanted to dress there age or size, instead of trying to recreate their youth like your suposed to when you are old or fat. Going to that section was like saying you've givin up, you ain't even going to try to look atractive anymore. You just want to look mature, and respectable. No one shoped there for first date-ware.
"Girl, that's insain. Me and you going to go their after our last shift, and pick you out something real cute. Then we'll head to shoes..." MariBeth Lace said.
"OOh get her some of those new high heel crocs! So cute!" Gerdi Vase shreaked.
"Cute! And classy. You know they come in Earnheart red now?" Tina queeryed. As the ladies chattered about the cloths Dabreese could were on the date later that night, she let her mind wonder. The night was filled with mistery and intreaty. What could happen? Was love going to fill the room like it did earlyer at the return counter? Was he a felon? So many questions filled her brain, and so much love filled her heart. She felt as if she might expload with anxeousness, and all that would be left of her is question marks and buckets of love. Meanwhile, Briar was exciting the local CheckIntoDebt! Where one can receve an advansment on one's paycheck. He was grinning from ear to partial ear (left one had been a victim of a wead eater accident when he was just a tween.) He got a little money for his date with Dabreese and he was happier than a kitten chasing a leaky cow. For the first time since he was relesed from the state pinn, he was filled with joy. ****************************Well, what did you think?
So far, our panel has commented:
"mind-numbing, bordering on coherent.. at best."
"At one time, I realized I had been crying in agony for an hour after reading this. I then washed down a double dose of Zoloft with Nyquil, and squeezed a lemon in my eyes. I hate myself for touching this 'book'."
"Really? Seriously? Am I on tv? This can't be real."
"Did she even graduate kindergarten? If this doesn't say something about the lack of education in this country, nothing will."
Please add a comment, and remember to be polite. You don't even have to be honest. Just polite. We are pretty confident that its impossible to be both in this situation. Remember, next week you will recieve chapter one of "The Bowhunter's Daughter," by Emerie Bord.

your friends at VeeDee Publishers

If The Locals Gave Parenting Advice 102

News-Review
Pairenting102 (better than Pairenting 101)
by Kimmy Kate Guppie-Schmit
and Harold-Bob Schmit


Hey yall, are yall tired of gettin stuped advise from your doctors,freinds,teechers,family,strangers,walmarts workers,cohworkers,innmates & chilldren?? Yeah, we was too. So, we wear all, hey, yall lets wrote our Own Book on pairentin!!We akctuwelly know our crap cos we's been havin kids since WE WAS KIDS!!!
My name is Kimmy Kate Guppie-Schmit my husband who be writeing this with me name is Harold-Bob Schmit. He is my therd husbend. my first one done died in a routene hi-speedin car chase. Actally didnt have nothin to do with the car chase he was leedin, it was cos his home made cigerette litein' belt buckle egnited when he was tryin to get a spark. Reel shame, cos we was gonna pass that nice transam onto our second son Branch.
My secend husbend was a ly-en peace of CRAP!! He was alwaeys sayin he was back in jale,when realy he was with Wendie Mae Jr. (his exwifes sister). Than he left me when he got her pregnent with another man's baby.They were are neybors but they's got kicked out for havin there house parked in a handyCap zone.Now they both in prisen for partakin of the donutation bowl at church.
This husband -Harold Bob -we just call him HairBob is a real fine find. He is taler than me and his bale is usally real cheep. Plus, HE HAD A JOB!!! Let me tell ya about our kids. I'll start with mine. 1.Pabst Jimmy Joe Roberts. 2. Charitie Harmonie Smith. 2.son Branch Winchester Smith.
Than his: 1.Briar Nascar Schmit. 2. Tuffy Roweena Schmit.
And oures: 1. Survivor Juniper-Ann Schmit. 2. Treason River Schmit. and we's espectin at leste on more in Febwuary. (boy: Ironman MecGiever, girl:Porsalynn Giver)
Lets get started on the pairenting advicin'. This chaptter is gonna be just a generous idea of what yall need to know about dissaplinn. First off; dont set bowndries. Kids will only brake em. Nextly dont get all worryin about teachin em nothin. Thats what strangers and teechers are for. I cants tell ya how many times i been in wallmart and some strangers is tellin my kids how imporntint manners is. And i'm so glad they sayin something cus i dont have time to teech them all that! shoot. I am busy!!!! Teechers not only teech em hows to read and spel and all but they even will keep em clean and remind me to give em vaccations so as they dont be gettin sick all the time. (psssd. lil secrit: sometimes the teechers will give your kids free shooes if you forgets to put some on em! I love free stuffs!!)
Wells, that is enuf for now i gots to go pick up my kids at the bar's daycare. The babies'siter usully falls asleep bout now.See ya next week yall!